Dissonance

Your number scares the shit out of me

I fumbled with my phone to clear you out of my sight

Anything reminding me of you

Gives me the chills

I am deleting them all

Because you scare the fuck out of me

And you fucked me over too much

Funny how these eight digits still live in my head

Subconsciously clinging on to a person who is not there

Someone who stole my freedom in exchange of a trust I value

Someone who ruined it in exchange for his freedom and value

With shaky hands I deleted you off

These tears flowing down my cheeks

Are something that I can’t stop

As the days go by the pain increases

As the pain hits high the hate starts to reason

As the shame turns low the logic starts to appear

You made used of my vulnerability and strength to tear me into pieces

As the hurt grows strong the body starts to weaken

As the drinks hit home the mind starts to pester

As the sanity dies the guilt starts to linger

I’m all over with what they bullshit understand of

Talk about me and backstab me like murder

Fuck what you understand

You can never fathom my conscience

So torn between drinking til I die and keeping myself in pieces

What is the stopping of the heartbeat

When you’re already dead a billion hours

Debilitated, I lost all that I could to keep myself alive

Slamming my head all over just to remind myself I have to be alive

The hands of the divine are all I could grasp in time

I begged for mercy and I begged for resurrection

This tiny body I’ve grown and struggled to protect shall be given over

Promise me to protect it now that I couldn’t

But that’s my baby

I can’t easily weaken

So torn between fighting two lives and giving both up all at once

So torn between painting pretty masquerades and destroying for the truth I’ve shunned out

This is who I am with my heart bitten all over

Fuck your shaming

Fuck yourself upside down

You only love your fucking image

You only love yourself

And I colour shades of red on my fleshy canvas

With a crayon like knife

It shall all be over

This hate goes higher than expected

Vengeance seething but I am keeping them together

Waiting to spit it out all over your river

I want you to suffer just like how you put me through

I want you to burn just like how you scalded me while I’m begging you

I want you to be torn just like how you cut me through

I want you to die just like how you want me to

I hope the last conversation haunts you every night

Because you deserved this you deserved to be alive

You pushed me while I’m walking on tightrope just to keep you satisfied

Play games with me to convince yourself that you are right

Try me I shall choke you in your sleep and watch you struggle for a life